I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
