have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
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Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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