Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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