So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
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you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
whose ass print is on the piano?
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I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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