trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
