Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm bleeding and have questions
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
