mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
