why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
