last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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