she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
