I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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