oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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