I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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