yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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