We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
