hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
