I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
