The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
it's great music for shaving your balls
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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