ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
it's great music for shaving your balls
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
