Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
