You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
