What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
