i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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