Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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