life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
