No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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