Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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