Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
