I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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