Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
