Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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