Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We had sex on a dog bed..
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
