YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
