he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
