sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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