I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
