The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
