he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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