Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
