When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
