He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
