Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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