I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
