3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
