Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
