She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
