That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
