Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
