That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
how does that bad decision feel?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
