Where did you get a picture of my penis
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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