i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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