I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My vagina is very pro this idea
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
