Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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