sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
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I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
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There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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