mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
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He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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