dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
