i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
